


You're Being Quite 'Shellfish'

by phanetixs



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Domestic Fluff, Light Smut, M/M, fluff!, howell-lester household domesticity, i tried some humor, in which dan kills alberta, phil is a cutie, slight angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 13:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8402650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanetixs/pseuds/phanetixs
Summary: “This was my sorry-I-killed-Alberta blowjob, just so you know,” he whispers into Phil’s ear, nonchalance lacing his tone-Or, the story with shrimp-killers, a passive-agressive Phil Lester™, and anthropomorphism at its finest.





	

**Author's Note:**

> ive been having a tough time writing fics recently and this idea suddenly sprung into existence, so, i'm not sure entirely what this is either.
> 
> enjoy!

It’s quite unfair, _really_.

It’d been an playful snogging session barely ten minutes ago and now, they are here, writhing against the too small sofa bed as Dan has his tongue doing wonders on Phil’s slit. Phil’s tugging on Dan’s hair, hard and pulling the curls viciously. 

Frankly, Phil had no time to really be _suspicious._ Be _wary_ of why exactly Dan was moving fast and hard, kissing over his tummy repeatedly, his tell-tale sign of remorse. Really think about Dan pushing Phil backwards, straddling him against the sofa crease right when he’d started mumbling about growing another pet, on an otherwise mundane Wednesday night.

He should’ve seen it coming, definitely _before_ he actually _starts_ coming (which happens right about now).

Phil’s sweaty mess flops onto the cushions, riding this high for as long as possible. The blood still rushes through his ears, not quite getting the hang of breathing normally just yet, and of course, of _bloody_ course, that’s when Dan says it.

“This was my _sorry-I-killed-Alberta_ blowjob, just so you know,” he whispers into Phil’s ear, nonchalance lacing his tone. And Phil wouldn’t have heard it, if not for the fact that Dan was quite interestingly sort of nibbling on his earlobe.

The hard-on he was gaining again deflates instantaneously. Blood rushes upwards as Phil processes the words slowly.

You see, Phil Lester loves Dan Howell immensely. He’d loved him through the long-distance of 2009, the quiet perils of 2012, through countless fights and half-hearted breakups and silly love. But, Phil made it a point, early on in his love life, to never be engaged with an _killer_ , ever since eight-grade fling Bobby broke up with him by _flushing_ his beloved goldfish down the toilet.

So, forgive him for being at least a little bit dramatic about the whole thing.

“You _murdered_ Alberta?” he asks, flabbergasted, and Dan detaches his lips from Phil’s neck. Phil refuses to whine at the lost of contact, absolutely _not._

“Yeah, she was _competing_ for your affections,” he says jokingly, grins, but then Phil gives him a death glare and the humour of this whole situation seems a lot _less_ evident. Dan gives him a questioning look like _so what?_

“You killed my pet triops, poor, _innocent,_ Alberta?” he asks again, cringing internally at the redundancy and apologising silently to her in _shrimp heaven_ because she definitely deserves a better attorney than Phil _fucking_ Lester.

“Not a big deal, ok? I just _forgot_ to feed her for a couple of days when you were up in Manchester,” Dan tries to explain, as if it is the most relatable thing in the world. He hears the implied _Phil you’re acting like a ten year old right now_ hidden between the words that leave Dan’s lips and and his palm sneaking downwards to the elastic of Phil’s waistband.

But, Dan doesn’t understand. Alberta was _barely_ two weeks old. She hadn’t even gotten halfway through her lifespan yet.

“So, it’s okay not to feed like _fifty year-olds_ , then, is that what you’re implying?” And _wow_ , he should really have put that in context because Dan’s staring at Phil as if he’s the _dumbest_ person on the planet.

“What?”

“I’m angry with you,” he says then, something he should’ve said at the beginning of this whole conversation to have skipped the pointless discussion. Dan, at that point, starts stroking over Phil’s forearm back and forth, like soothing a child.

“ _Not_ a big deal, really,” he says, breathing into Phil’s neck, and that’s _it,_ Phil is _ultra_ -angry.

“Sleep somewhere else tonight.”

“But-“

“I’m serious.”

 

-

 

This lasts for about ten minutes before Dan comes trudging into the bedroom, pillows in hand. He _shoves_ Phil hard before entangling himself underneath the duvet.

“Babe,” Dan mumbles into the pillows, hands somehow encircling Phil’s waist in a _silent_ _apology_ (which isn’t good enough for Phil Lester. Alberta’s turning in her grave, surely).

“Go back to the lounge,” Phil tells him rudely enough, a sense of irrational anger overtaking him. “You don’t deserve to be in here, shrimp-killer.”

There’s a lull of silence.

“Would my diabolical supervillain name be like the _shrimp-inator?”_

Phil grunts in response.

“Or _Shrimpisnotonfire_ for branding purposes? But obviously tiny shrimps _can’t_ really be lit on fire, else I would’ve tried it on Alber-“ 

“Dan, this is not _really_ the time to be making jokes-“ Phil tries to say because they haven’t really had a proper mourning period for Alberta yet- _do shrimp killers grieve for their victims or is that not acceptable in status quo_ , Phil wonders.

“Phil, _mate,_ she was a shrimp. She died, as many of us _will,_ what with the ambiguity of our futures. Now will y’let me _rummage_ you on this beautiful night?” Dan asks and he doesn’t see Phil’s grin from where he’s faced away from him. 

The offer is _enticing,_ even in Phil’s state of anger. He feels himself go half-hard at even the thought of Dan doing _something_ tonight ( _fuck_ him for being so sexy, really).

 _But_ then _,_ Alberta deserves better and she wouldn’t like it for Phil to get _pleasured_ by her killer so soon after her death (it’s plain _weird_ how much hold a _dead_ fish has over Phil Lester) so, the point is, Phil needs to stick to his guns.

In an alternate universe, this would’ve been easy, but in this one, Phil Lester realises he has no _guns_ (there has to be a better metaphor for thin, lanky people, Phil’s sure) to be sticking to in the first place, and long story short, hate sex has never felt so _good._

_Sorry Alberta._

 

-

 

Phil walks into the living room.

“You’re still mad,” Dan says simply, flipping between television channels and munching on some homemade quesadillas (that Phil begrudgingly made with some dead _shrimp_ found in the pits of their freezer). 

“Yes, and you’re probably eating Alberta’s relatives. How does it feel to have wiped out her _entire_ family, Mr Howell?” Phil retorts sarcastically, holding his clenched fist out in lieu of a microphone.

“I’d like to say that I’ve _maybe_ repopulated it,” Dan says, patting on the cushion beside him and bringing round the small tank that Phil hasn’t been able to look at without a small pang of grief greeting him against his ribcage. 

Except things _are_ different about it, Phil notes. There are more colourful stones at the bottom and there are small fairy lights hanging on its glass walls. More than that, he sees one _, no_ , five Albertas swimming around, weaving in between the blooming algae. 

“Awww that's a little one!” Phil coos excitedly. He peers closer into the tank and mentally names _Susan 1, 2, 3, 4, oh there’s 5!_

Dan, who in his past life must’ve secretly had some sort of _telepathic_ power, pointedly says, “You’re not naming them Susan.”

Phil ignores him. “Thank you so much, Dan,” he says, slight wonderment in his tone as he keeps his eyes trained on the hatched triops flapping their tails around in the water. 

Before he forgets, “I love you so much, you _twat.”_

“ _Ouch_ , also, I’ve grown quite close to one of them in the past hour or so of its existence, so, look out for a custody battle real soon,” Dan admits, his face growing deliciously pink and his fingers are toying at the hem of Phil’s shirt.

“Can’t wait,” Phil replies, reaching up to kiss the _shrimp-killer-then-saviour_ for being an absolute dork who he’s totally and irrevocably in love with.

Plus, Alberta is _maybe_ happy for him and the continuation of her species, and that’s good enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!
> 
> come say hi on [tumblr](http://phanetixs.tumblr.com) and tell me if my jokes are actually funny (hope this still made you laugh!)
> 
> hope you all have a great day!


End file.
